求初一英语笑话~急啊

Question

急

Answer 1

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.

Girl: Father, I have sinned.

Preacher: What did you do, little girl?

Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.

Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?

Girl: He touched my breast.

Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)

Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.

Preacher: That's no reason to call him that.

Girl: But he also took off my cloth.

Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)

Girl: Yes, that's what he did.

Preacher: That's still no reason to call him that.

Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...

Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)

Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that's what he did...

Preacher: My dear girl, that's still no reason to call him a...

Girl: But he had AIDS!!

Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH

1)TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
汤姆的借口
老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"
DID YOUR DAD...
2)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.
3)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.
4)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
5)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”
一盒小火柴
妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。汤米回来后，妈妈问他，“你买的是好用的火柴吗？”
“是的，妈妈。”汤米回答，“我把它们都试过了。”
6)Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
开车
父亲：哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。
苏西：没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。
7)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.
“You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
8)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother.
“I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.”
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。”
9)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

Answer 2

1、This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5...4...3...2...1...

>Error: No Brain Detected!!!

这条消息将会让你的头脑清醒5秒。5…4…3…2…1…

>错误提示：未侦测到大脑！！！

2、Not every flower symbolize for love, but rose can do it; not every tree can stand thirst, but alamo can do it, not every pig can read short message, but you can do it. Congratulations!
不是每一朵花都能代表爱情，但是玫瑰做到了；不是每一种树都能耐住干渴，但是白杨做到了；不是每一头猪都能看短消息，但是你做到了。恭喜你！

3、Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart. You are blessed with both! FLATTERED?

Don't Be! It was sent to me. I just wanted you to read it.

漂亮的脸蛋能吸引眼球但是好的人品能吸引人心。你很幸运的同时拥有这两方面！被恭维了？

少来了！这个短消息是送给我的。我只不过想让你看看罢了。

4、Can u pronounce good English? Read along: woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, poof, woof, woof, hoof, loof, roof, shoof, Test results: U r a good dog. Now stop barking.

你的英语发音很标准？读下去：woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, poof, woof, woof, hoof, loof, roof, shoof, 测试结果：你是一条好狗。现在可以停下别叫了。

5.Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?

1) Pray-so that u may live...2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!

早上好……你今早醒来的时候有没有做这两件最重要的事呢？

1）祈祷- 好让你可以活下去……2）洗澡-好让别人也可以活下去！

6.In the morning I do not eat because I think of you.

At noon I do not eat because I think of you.

In the evening I do not eat because I think of you,

and at night I do not sleep because I'm hungry.
因为想你，我没吃早饭。因为想你，我没吃中饭。因为想你，我没吃晚饭。晚上我睡不着了，因为我饿了。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

Answer 3

小明是个英语呆子，一天他踩到一个老外的脚……
小明：I am sorry!
老外：I am sorry too!
小明紧张：I am sorry three!
老外：What are you sorry for? （four）
小明脸红道：I am sorry five!本回答被提问者采纳